Besoin d’aide pour un passage au bac blanc d’anglais oral

pourriez-vous me dire ce qui ne convient pas et ce qui irait mieux!!!

Thanks you



ENGLISH


Picture

I will describe and analyse before giving my opinion.
This picture is a cartoon or more exactly a criticisme of capitalism.
There is a man who is wearing a cowboy hat and a dinner jacket.
He looks like a milionnaire.
Moreover, He’s imposing; he has a derisive smile and he looks nasty.
He has a ring in the shape of a bull’s head which is sign of aggresivity.
There’s the sign of dollars in his eyes. Maybe he always thinking of dollars.
As for me it’s a caricature or a stéréotype of the American boss.
Behind a good image of MCDO’S , he’s getter rich.
He tries to hide behind a mask because he maybe wants to give another image of himself.
One part of his face is hidden I think that he has two personalitie.
He plays a double game.
This picture shows that MCDO’S is an industrie whose only objective is to earn money.

TITLE

After having studied this image, we are going to study the title of this one.
The title means MCDO’S has a hidden face.
It’s menant to catch people’s attention.
It’s eye catching and written in big bold capital letters.
A campaign criticising MCDO’S.

The logos

There are five logos.
On the first logo, he wrote there « MC PROFITS ».
This means that MCDO’S earns money at the expense of tir customers.

On the second logo, he wrote « MC GREEDY », this means that
The firm is avaricieuses and only thinks of vais of making profits; « MC CANCER »
Dangerous for health. They reap profits witloof bing preoculpied by the quality of the food that provoties cancer.
There are many drawbacks bing a good image.

Besides, « MC DEADLY » that means that They’re ray to all, even if somme people are hit by illnesses.

And to finish, « MC MURDER »which means that MCDO’S businessmen are killers, assassinate tir customers.

And to finish we are going to study the text.
The text to analyse deals with the theme of MACDONALD’S.
This text has eight paragraphes divided into 2 parts.
I will focus my attention on the accusation on MCDO as shown in the headline of this part « what’s wrong with mcdonald’s? » before dealing with propositions against mcdonald’s « what can you do ?» which in direct address to the reader, so as to imply him directly in the fight .

First Reading of the text, we realise that its tone is very négative, péjorative in fact, there are an accumulation of words with a négative connotation such as « exploit » l.1 & « unsocial »l.2 futhermore , it’s a polemical tone because the authors criticise MCDO for destroyer customer’ health.

In the first place, we can look in the first paragraphe that the authors criticises MCDO.
In fact, he says that they exploit people with salaries very Small indeed people are underpaid, besides, people are Young and work in bad conditions « unsocial hours »
Moreover, in the second paragraphe, we can look that they’re involved in climatic changes and they’re direcltly related to the destruction of deserts.
In the third paragraphe, the authors denunce the fact that they put too much salt and sugar in tir food, which can provoque cancers.
In the fourth paragraphe, he denunces MCDO for produce a lot of unrecyclable packages and rubbish « 2.3 millions cubic feet of unrecyclable ».
In the fifth paragraphe, the authors talk about animals which are bref and killed in poor, sad conditions. The only thing we can against them is to stop eating there. We have to start talking with our friends about
MCDO hidden face.
The sixth paragraphe, denunces the fact that the image we have of MCDO is very different from. What is seems to be if we considère this document. They call « coloured gimmickry » the commercial image of Ronald MCDO that is a clown dressed in Bright red and yellow. They aldo mention that « their advertising is directly mostly at children » but this is a much used commercial practise in that children représente a large part of the potential consumers of today as well as of tomorrow.

The two others paragraphes of the second part deals with the boycott of fast food places inde he says that the solution is to avoiding MCDO is to go and eat on other restaurants which may be more expensive and not as quick as fast food places but « not as exploitation as burger-bars » and the last paragraphe we incite to talk about the problems raised by MCDO and denunce them.

I agrée with the authors but at the same time they give us jobs so there are also good sides. They dont display-pity about MCDO. They are pitiless.

As a conclusion, this document shows all the anger and hatred MCDO can engender.

marianne a écrit :pourriez-vous me dire ce qui ne convient pas et ce qui irait mieux!!!

Thanks you



ENGLISH


Picture

I will describe and analyse besoin d'un COD before giving my opinion.
This picture is a cartoon le genre or more exactly a criticismecomparé (bizarrement) à son thème of capitalism.
There is a man who is wearing a cowboy hat and a dinner jacket.
He looks like a milionnaire.
Moreover, He’s imposing: he has a derisive smile and he looks nasty.
He has(porter) a ring in the shape of a bull’s head , which is sign of aggresivity.
There’s the sign of dollars in his eyes. Maybe he (verbe) always thinking of dollars.
As for me "Je pense" est mieux it’s a caricature or a stéréotype of the American boss.
Behind a good image of MCDO’S , he’s getter rich.
He tries to hide behind a mask because he maybe(position dans la phrase) wants to give another image of himself.
One part of his face is hidden . I think that he has two personalitie.
He plays a double game.
This picture shows that MCDO’S is an industrie whose only objective is to earn money.

TITLE

After having studied this image, we are going to study its title (gommé).
The title means MCDO’S has a hidden face.
It’s menant to catch people’s attention.
It’s eye catching and written in big , bold capital letters.
A campaign criticising MCDO’S.

The logos

There are five logos.
On the first logo, he wrote there « MC PROFITS ».
This means that MCDO’S earns money at the expense of tir customers.

On the second logo, he wrote « MC GREEDY », this means that
The firm is avaricieuses and only thinks of vais of making profits; « MC CANCER »
Dangerous for health. They reap profits witloofbing preoculpied by the quality of the food that provoties cancer.
There are many drawbacks bing a good image.

Besides, « MC DEADLY » that means that They’re ray to all, even if somme people are hit by illnesses.

And to finish, « MC MURDER »which means that MCDO’S businessmen are killers, assassinate tir customers.

And to finish we are going to study the text.
The text to analyse deals with the theme of MACDONALD’S. I would rather have seen the word in full at the beginning, with the abbreviation McDo afterwards.
This text has eight paragraphes divided into 2 parts.
I will focus my attention on the accusation on MCDO as shown in the headline of this part « what’s wrong with mcdonald’s? » before dealing with propositions against mcdonald’s « what can you do ?» which in direct address to the reader, so as to imply him directly in the fight .

First Reading of the text, we realise that its tone is very négative, péjorative in fact, there are an accumulation of words with a négative connotation such as « exploit » l.1 & « unsocial »l.2 futhermore , it’s a polemical tone because the authors criticise MCDO for destroyer customer’ health.

In the first place, we can look in the first paragraphethat the authors criticisesMCDO.
In fact, he says that they exploit people with very Small salaries(position) indeed people are underpaid, besides, people are Young and work in bad conditions « unsocial hours »
Moreover, in the second paragraphe, we can look that they’re involved in climatic changes and they’re direcltly related to the destruction of deserts.
In the third paragraphe, the authors denunce the fact that they put too much salt and sugar in tir food, which can provoque cancers.
In the fourth paragraphe, he denunces MCDO for produce a lot of unrecyclable packages and rubbish « 2.3 millions cubic feet of unrecyclable ».
In the fifth paragraphe, the authors talk about animals which are bref and killed in poor, sad conditions. The only thing we can (verbe) against them is to stop eating there. We have to start talking with our friends about
MCDO's hidden face.
The sixth paragraphe, denunces the fact that the image we have of MCDO is very different from. What is seems to be if we considère this document. They call « coloured gimmickry » the commercial image of Ronald MCDO that is a clown dressed in Bright red and yellow. They aldo mention that « their advertising is directly mostly at children » but this is a much used commercial practise in that children représente a large part of the potential consumers of today as well as of tomorrow.

The two others paragraphes of the second part deals with the boycott of fast food places inde he says that the solution is to avoiding MCDO is to go and eat on other restaurants which may be more expensive and not as quick as fast food places but « not as exploitation as burger-bars » and the last paragraphe we incite to talk about the problems raised by MCDO and denunce them.

I agrée with the authors but at the same time they give us jobs so there are also good sides. They dont display-pity about MCDO. They are pitiless.

As a conclusion, this document shows all the anger and hatred MCDO can engender.

Some of the problems will not be raised in the Oral, but I have indicated incorrect grammar , spelling and syntaxe too.

I hope you have time to amend this work. The ideas seem good to me.

Bonjour!!

J'ai arrangé mon texte pour mon oral de bac; pourriez-vous m'aider s'il vous plait?!!

Merci d'avance




ENGLISH


The document we have here is an information sheet originally printed on recycled paper accusing MCDO’S.
It’s composed of a picture on the left above which we can Read the appealling title « what MCDO’S dont want you to know ». There is also a text on the right and underneath this text,
we can depict two fill-in forms from Two organisations:
The vegetan group that defends vegetarian food and animal rights and the luddite club a worker’s association,
most probably the authors of this document.
In between these two parts, there is a series of five MCDO’S logos with different words replacing « DONALD’S » in MCDO’S.

Picture

I will describe and analyse the picture before giving my opinion.
It’s a cartoon where there is a fat man who is wearing a cowboy hat and a dinner jacket.
He looks like a milionnaire.
Moreover, he’s imposing; he has a derisive smile and he looks nasty.
He has a ring in the shape of a bull’s head which is sign of aggresivity.
There’s the sign of dollars in his eyes.
Maybe he is always thinking of dollars.
As for me it’s a caricature or a stereotype of the American boss.
Behind a good image of MCDO’S , he’s getter rich.
He tries to hide behind a mask may be because he wants to give another image of himself.
Besides,one part of his face is hidden.
I think that he has two different personalitie and th at he plays a double game.
This picture shows that MCDO’S is an industrie whose only objective is to earn money.

TITLE

After having studied this image, we are going to study the title of this one.
The title is not an interogation but an exclamation.
Futhermore, it’s written in big bold capital letters,
And it means MCDO’S has a hidden face.

The logos

Moreover there five logos.
It’s a crescendo in the words replacing « MCDO’S » .
« MC PROFITS » means that MCDO’S earns money at the expense of their customers.

« MC GREEDY » means that the firm is avaricious and only thinks of ways of making profit.
« MC CANCER » means that MCDO’S is Dangerous for health, and that
they reap profits without being preoculpied by the quality of the food that provoties cancer.
I will say that there are many drawbacks behind a good image.

Besides, « MC DEADLY » means that they’re ready to all, even if some people are hit by illnesses.

And to finish, « MC MURDER »which means that MCDO’S businessmen are killers, assassinate their customers.

TEXTE

And to finish we are going to study the text.
The text we are invited to analyse deals with the theme of MACDONALD’S.
This text is composed of eight paragraphes divided into 2 groups.
I will focus my attention on accusation on MCDO’S as shown in the headline of this part « what’s wrong with mcdonald’s? » before dealing with propositions against mcdonald’s « what can you do ?» which is a direct address to the reader, so as to imply him directly in the fight .

First Reading of the text, we realise that its tone is very negative, pejorative in fact, there are an accumulation of words with a negative connotation such as « exploit » l.1 & « unsocial »l.2; futhermore , it’s a polemical tone because the author criticises MCDO’S for destroying customer’ health.

In the first place, the author criticises MCDO’S for doing exploit people because people are underpaid, besides, people are Young and work in bad conditions « unsocial hours »
Moreover, they’re involved in climatic changes and they’re direcltly related to the destruction of deserts.
In the third paragraphe, the author denunces the fact that they put too much salt and sugar in their food, which can provoke cancers.
Futhermore, he reproach MCDO’S with doing produces a lot of unrecyclable packages and rubbish « 2.3 millions cubic feet of unrecyclable ».
In the fifth paragraphe, the author talks about animals which are bred and killed in poor, sad conditions.
Moreover, this document denounces the fact that the image we have of MCDO’S is very different from what is seems to be if considere this document.
They call « colourful gimmickry » the commercial image of Ronald MCDO’S that is a clown dressed in Bright red and yellow.
They also mention that « their advertising is directed mostly at children » but this is a much used commercial practise in that children represente a large part of the potential consumers of today as well as of tomorrow.
In the USA, profits is the be-all and end-all.

The two other paragraphes of the second part deals with the boycott of fast food places and in the second place we may not only be satisfied with Reading this document but we should also talk about the problems raised by MCDO’S and denounce them.

I agree with the author but at the same time they give us jobs so there are also good sides. They don’t display-pity about MCDO‘S.
They are pitiless.
Besides, this document hasn‘t change my opinion because it‘s already built.

As a conclusion, this document shows all the anger and hatred MCDO’S can engender.

Avant même d'avoir lu le contenu, une chose majeure me dérange: le partage de votre texte, vous faîtes vos parties comme si vous découpiez le document par genre , on étudie la photo puis le texte , le titre, les logos…( en plus le sous-titre de votre première partie ENGLISH n'a pas lieu d'être, la personne qui sera en face de vous saura que l'épreuve est en anglais!)

A mon avis ça ne va pas, c'est un travail qu'on peut effectuer au brouillon mais le jour J à l'oral comment vous allez présenter la chose?
Parce que c'est de l'oral , vous allez devoir parler, et pas lire, votre travail écrit ne sert que de support ou d'aide quand on ne sait plus quoi raconter ( moins vous le regarderez mieux ce sera).
Alors ça donnera quoi? First we are going to study the picture, then the title, the logos.. non non ce n'est pas très subtil, vous n'êtes pas d'accord? 🙂

Je ne connais pas le document mais j'imagine que le texte dont vous parlez est assez court, comme dans tout document iconographique à caractère caricatural (l'image n'est pas là pour illustrer le texte , c'est le texte qui est là pour renforcer le message que communique l'image, il n'est pas utile donc de faire une GROSSE partie sur le texte, mais je vous rappelle que je ne connais votre document, c'est juste une déduction..dans n'importe quelle caricature l'essentiel c'est l'image!)

Je pense qu'il vaut mieux durant votre oral d'abord décrire le document ( l'image en elle même, et la typographie du document: la place du titre s'il est souligné, en caractère gras, le texte, les logos, les couleurs, dans un document chaque détail a de l'importance)
Puis à partir de votre travail préalable de description, vous interprétez, vous expliquez le but recherché de l'auteur du doc, et grâce aux éléments descriptifs vous montrez comment il le fait.

Je sais que vous attendiez de moi plutôt une correction de vos fautes de grammaire mais je pense que tout ça reste important.
Et puis pour vos erreurs, apparemment JSC vous a déjà mise sur la voie..la correction d'une correction..ça fait peut être beaucoup, non? 😉

Chère marianne,

I find that the general standard is already quite good. Bravo.

Ayant passé qq temps que cet exercice déjà, et vu que tu n'as pas tout pris en compte de mes suggestions, je préfère laisser ton professeur faire les corrections finales.

Toutefois, et malgré son utilisation dans les journaux dans le sens que tu entends, le mot italien "crescendo" devrait être restreinte à une augmentation d'intensité sonore (terme initialement musical). Wouldn't "accumulation" be a better idea?

Some other ideas (not exhaustive).
Unsocial or antisocial?
Is an opinion built, fabricated or formed?
Be careful about: "he *makes" or "he is *making" as the form of the present tense.
(* the verb is taken at random)
I will = future tense or an insistnce to say what you have to say. The conditional is often more usual.
Always check the accord of singular or plural subjects with the verb that follows.

Bonjour;

voilà j'ai un commentaire de texte à faire et à rendre; ça constitura mon texte pour mon oral de bac.

Pourriez-vous me dire si les idées s'enchainent bien de manière cohérente, et si il y a des fautes?

Je vous remercie d'avance

De plus, auriez-vous une autre formule pour remplacer " to finish"?


The text we are invited to study entitled FIGHTING BACK dating back to 1937 is taken from A book entitled BLACK BOY written by RICHARD WRIGHT and deals with the theme of the violence.
It can be divided into 3 parts.
I will focus my attention on Richard, a Young black boy who comes home shuddering and crying because he has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of boys before dealing with the Young boy’s feelings and the final reversal of situation.


In the first place, as Richard has just had a narrow escape, Richard explains to his mother what has just happened to him.
Richard gasps and begs his mum to enter the house but it is surprising that she should want her son not to come back into the house maybe he will be killed.
Instead of supporting him, the mother adopts an overbearing tone; indeed, she uses imperative sentences. L.4: « Don’t come here ».
Maybe because she wants to make her son a real man because she thinks that it is time for him to become a real man.
Furthermore, maybe she wants to be proud of him.
If Richard comes back home, his mother will whip him. L26-27: « no », she said. « Go now! If you come back into this house without those groceries, I will whip you ».
Nevertheless, she knows that if he goes back into the street, he can be beaten by the gang of boys.
In short,Richard is caught in the middle; he has no way out.
And for her , if Richard doesn’t come back into the groceries, the segregation will continue.
He is bound to be beaten.
That is why he is scared to death. L.17: « But I am scared», he said.
As for me, may be she should want her son not to come back into the house without those groceries because returning means that the blacks are not afraid of whites.


Furthermore, Richard is frightened out of his wits
L.29 « I shook with fright »; he tries to weigh the pros and cons and prefers to go to the street because it is the only way for him to get a chance to defend himself and according to me, it is the occasion for him to get a chance to defend himself against the gang.
And he decides to take his courage into both hands.


To finish, not to renounce is already a victory for the black and for Richard.
Moreover, Richard is alone whereas the boys are several.
All in all, they are not on an equal footing.
Nevertheless, we have a reversal of situation because Richard didn’t stop hitting the boys and they hadn’t the time to ripost; and the boys are crying. L.41-43: «I swung again, lamming another skull, then another. Realizing that they would retaliate if I let up for but a second, I fought to lay them low ».
They can’t believe their eyes. L.46: « Staring at me in utter disbelief ».
Richard became a real man with a new personality; and has also IN A SENSE freed the blacks from the whites; indeed,now, he
won the right to the streets of MEMPHIS.
L.50: « That night I won the right to the streets of Memphis ».
It is a real victory for him.
Moreover,The mother of Richard will be proud of her son.
He has become a man; won his independance.
Besides, maybe Richard has won against the gang of white boys because He fought at night and Richard is black; so night kelped him and the end is symbolically dominated by the black colour to show the black boy’s victory.
The whites were darkened by Richard.


As a conclusion, Richard’s mother wanted to give her son a lesson which is that in the life it must be never to abandon. Everything is possible .
Futhermore, I may say that segregation in poor ghettos hasn’t disppeared today.
If I had been RICHARD, I would have left my family because as for me, a mother is here to protect her son and not to whip him if he comes back home.
A mother is here to prevent violence.

jozeva a écrit :I will focus (my attention) on Richard, a Young black boy* who comes home shuddering and crying because he has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of boys before dealing with the Young boy’s feelings and the final reversal of situation.


In the first place,** as Richard has just had a narrow escape, Richard explains to his mother what has just happened to him.
Richard gasps and begs his mum to enter the house but it is surprising that she should want her son not to come back into the house maybe he will be killed.
Instead of supporting him, the mother adopts an overbearing tone; indeed, she uses imperative sentences. L.4: « Don’t come here ».
Maybe because she wants to make her son a real man because she thinks that it is time for him to become a real man.
Furthermore, maybe she wants to be proud of him.
If Richard comes back home***, his mother will whip him. L26-27: « no », she said. « Go now! If you come back into this house without those groceries, I will whip you ».
Nevertheless, she knows that if he goes back into the street, he can**** be beaten by the gang (of boys).
In short,Richard is caught in the middle; he has no way out.
And for her***** , if Richard doesn’t come back into the groceries, the segregation will continue.
He is bound to be beaten.
That is why he is scared to death. L.17: « But I am scared», he said.
As for me², may be she should want her son not to come back into the house without those groceries because returning means that the blacks are not afraid of whites.


Furthermore*, Richard is frightened out of his wits
L.29 « I shook with fright »; he tries to weigh the pros and cons and prefers to go to ²² the street because it is the only way for him to get a chance to defend himself and according to me, it is the occasion for him to get a chance to defend himself* against the gang.
And he decides to take his courage into both hands.


To finish²²², not to renounce is already a victory for the black²²²² and for Richard.
Moreover, Richard is alone whereas the boys are several.²²²²²
All in all, they are not on an equal footing.
Nevertheless, we have a reversal of °situation because Richard didn’t stop hitting the boys and they hadn’t the time to ripost; and the boys are crying. L.41-43: «I swung again, lamming another skull, then another. Realizing that they would retaliate if I let up for but a second, I fought to lay them low ».
They can’t believe their eyes. L.46: « Staring at me in utter disbelief ».
Richard became a real man with a new personality; and has also IN A SENSE freed the blacks from the whites; indeed,now, he
won the right to the streets of MEMPHIS.
L. 50: « That night I won the right to the streets of Memphis *».
It is a real victory for him.
Moreover,The mother of Richard will be proud of her son.
He has become a man; won his independance.
Besides, maybe Richard has won against the gang of white boys°°° because He fought at night and Richard is black; so night helped him and the end is symbolically dominated by the black colour to show the black boy’s victory.
The whites were darkened°°°° by Richard.


As a conclusion°°, Richard’s mother wanted to give her son a lesson which is that in the life it must be never to abandon. Everything is possible .
Futhermore, I may say that segregation in poor ghettos hasn’t disppeared today.
If I had been RICHARD, I would have left my family because as for me, a mother is here to protect her son and not to whip him if he comes back home.
A mother is here to prevent violence.

I find that this is quite well expressed. However, there are a few things to look at again. 🙂
*The repeated word is inelegant.
** In the first place would introduce a series of comments on the same point or passage. How do you translate "au début"?
***I would prefer another translation pour (r)entrer. I think also there is something missing. Probably it would be better to mention the groceries here.
****Can is not the correct auxilliary.
*****I would avoid "and" at the beginning of sentences. "for her the segregation will continue" may make sense to those who have read the book, but not to me.
²"As for me" may be taught in many schools, but I find it rather biblical! What's wrong with "I think/I believe/I conclude/I would say/I find….."
²²Another preposition, more immediately active (to = towards).
²²²Finally? To conclude? My last point is that…?
Furthermore = moreover/ there again/ on the other hand/ otherwise…….
²²²²Number.
²²²²²Several=plusieurs. You are contrasting un chiffre (seul = 1) with an indefinite number; however, one could count as few as "several". I would prefer "numerous" or "many".
Check on the exact use for "several".
°There's a missing article.
°°Rather "In conclusion" or "To conclude".
°°°AH! Now i understant the point about segregation!! Isn't it rather too late to tell us that the gang was made up of white boys?
°°°°?

Bonjour

Je vous remercie de votre aide; j'ai corrigé( que ce que ma prof m'avait dit de corriger; est -ce mieux)

J'aurais voulu savoir si mes idées s'enchainent bien avec cohérence…?

mERCI

I will focus my attention on Richard, a Young black boy who comes home shuddering and crying because he has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of boys before dealing with the Young boy’s feelings and the final reversal of situation. In the first place, as Richard has just had a narrow escape, Richard explains to his mother what has just happened to him. Richard gasps and begs his mum to enter the house but it is surprising that she should want her son not to come back into the house maybe he will be killed.Instead of supporting him, the mother adopts an overbearing tone; indeed, she uses imperative sentences. L.4: « Don’t come here ».Maybe because she wants to make her son a real man because she thinks that it is time for him to become a real man.Furthermore, maybe she wants to be proud of him.If Richard comes back home, his mother will whip him. L26-27: « no », she said. « Go now! If you come back into this house without those groceries, I will whip you ». Nevertheless, she knows that if he goes back into the street, he could be beaten by the gang.In short,Richard is caught in the middle; he has no way out.And for her , if Richard doesn’t come back into the groceries, the segregation will continue.He is bound to be beaten.That is why he is scared to death. L.17: « But I am scared», he said. As for me², may be she should want her son not to come back into the house without those groceries because returning means that the blacks are not afraid of whites. Besides, Richard is frightened out of his wits L.29 « I shook with fright »; he tries to weigh the pros and cons and prefers to go to the street because it is the only way for him to get a chance to defend himself and according to me, it is the occasion for him to get a chance to defend himself against the gang.And he decides to take his courage into both hands. My last point is that not to renounce is already a victory for the black and for Richard.Moreover, Richard is alone whereas the boys are several.All in all, they are not on an equal footing.Nevertheless, we have a reversal of a situation because Richard didn’t stop hitting the boys and they hadn’t the time to ripost; and the boys are crying. L.41-43: «I swung again, lamming another skull, then another. Realizing that they would retaliate if I let up for but a second, I fought to lay them low ».They can’t believe their eyes. L.46: « Staring at me in utter disbelief ».Richard became a real man with a new personality; and has also IN A SENSE freed the blacks from the whites; indeed,now, he won the right to the streets of MEMPHIS. L. 50: « That night I won the right to the streets of Memphis ».It is a real victory for him. Moreover,The mother of Richard will be proud of her son.He has become a man; won his independance.Besides, maybe Richard has won against the gang of white boys because He fought at night and Richard is black; so night helped him and the end is symbolically dominated by the black colour to show the black boy’s victory.The whites were darkened by Richard. As a conclusion, Richard’s mother wanted to give her son a lesson which is that in the life it must be never to abandon. Everything is possible .Futhermore, I may say that segregation in poor ghettos hasn’t disppeared today.If I had been RICHARD, I would have left my family because as for me, a mother is here to protect her son and not to whip him if he comes back home.A mother is here to prevent violence.

Not really much better.

Not very coherent and still too much useless repetition.

Pourriez-vous m'aider s'il vous plait?

Je vous remercie d'avance

mais À QUOI Hilary ? tu ne poses aucune question…

Since you ignored most of my previous suggestions…

Oui je suis désolé.

Donc j'aurais voulu savoir pourquoi mon commentaire de texte ne convient pas?
Comment je pourrais l'arranger?

Je dois le rendre vendredi et je suis en panique…………


PLEASE HELP ME

voici une amélioration:
Qu'est ce qui ne va pas?

mERCI

The text I am going to comment upon entitled FIGHTING BACK dates back to 1937.
It is an extract from a novel entitled BLACK BOY written by RICHARD WRIGHT and deals with the theme of violence.
It can be divided into 3 parts.
First I will focus my attention on Richard a young black boy who comes home shuddering and crying because he has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of boys before dealing with the young boy’s feelings and the final reversal of situation.


Firstly, Richard has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of white boys.
As he has just had a narrow escape, Richard explains to his mother what has just happened to him.
But instead of supporting him ,his mother adopts an overbearing tone; indeed, she uses imperative sentences: L.4 « Don’t you come in here »
Richard gasps and begs his mum to enter the house but it is surprising that she should not want her son to come into the house: he may be killed when staying outside.
It ‘s maybe because his mother wants him to become a real man because she thinks that it is time for him to become a real man.
Maybe she thinks that he has to face his difficulties.
For her, it’s like this that you can become a real man.
Furthermore, she may want to be proud of him.
Richard’s mother wouldn’t like her son to come back home without those groceries and if he came back whitout the groceries, she would whip him. L26-27
Nevertheless, she knows that if he goes back into the street, he could be beaten by the gang of boys: his mother is heartless.
And for her , if Richard doesn’t go to the grocer's, segregation will continue.
In short, Richard is caught in the middle: he has no way out. He is bound to be beaten.
That is why he is scared to death.
As for me, she may want her son to go to the grocer’s because returning there means that the blacks are not afraid of the whites.



In addition, Richard is frightened out of his wits: L.29 « I shook with fright »; he tries to weigh the pros and cons and prefers to go to the street because it is the only way for him to get a chance to defend himself and , according to me, it is the opportunity for him to get a chance to defend himself against the gang.
And he decides to take his courage into both hands.


To sum it up, not to renounce is already a victory for the blacks and for Richard as well.
Moreover, Richard is alone whereas the boys form a gang of several people
All in all, they are not on an equal footing.
Richard didn’t stop hitting the boys and they didn’t have the time to ripost and the boys were crying.
They couldn’t believe their eyes.
Richard has become a real man with a new personality, and he has also to some extent freed the blacks from the whites; indeed,now, he won the right to the streets of MEMPHIS. L.50
It is a real victory for him.
Moreover, Richard’s mother will be proud of her son: He has become a man and won his independence.
Besides, Richard may have won against the gang of white boys because he fought at night and he is black; so the night helped him and the end is symbolically dominated by the black colour to show the black boy’s victory.
The whites were darkened by Richard.


As a conclusion Richard’s mother vante to give her son a lesson which is that In the life you should never drop.
Furthermore, I may say that segregation in poor ghettos hasn’t disappeared today.
If I had been Richard, I would have left my family because for me, a mother is here to protect her children and not to whip her son if he comes back home. A mother is here to prevent violence.

johana a écrit :The text I am going to comment upon entitled FIGHTING BACK dates back to 1937.
It is an extract from a novel entitled BLACK BOY written by RICHARD WRIGHT and deals with the theme of violence.
It can be divided into 3 parts.
First I will focus my attention on Richard a young black american boy who *comes home shuddering and crying because he has just been attacked by a gang (of boys) before dealing with the young boy’s feelings and the final reversal of situation.


(Firstly,) Richard *has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of white boys.
As he has just had a narrow escape, Richard explains to his mother what has just happened to him.
But instead of supporting him ,his mother adopts an overbearing tone; indeed, she uses imperative sentences: L.4 « Don’t you come in here »
Richard gasps and begs his mum to **enter the house but it is surprising that she should not want her son to come into the house: he may be killed ***when staying outside.
It ‘s maybe because his mother (wants him to become a real man because she) thinks that it is time for him to become a real man.
Maybe she thinks that he has to face his difficulties.
For her, it’s like this that you can grow up.
Furthermore, she may want to be proud of him.
Richard’s mother wouldn’t like her son to come back home without those groceries and if he came back whitout them, she would whip him. L26-27
Nevertheless, she knows that if he goes back into the street, he could be beaten by the gang of boys: his mother is heartless.
****And for her , if Richard doesn’t go to the grocer's, segregation will continue.
In short, Richard is caught in the middle: he has no way out. He is bound to be beaten.
That is why he is scared to death.
*****As for me, she may want her son to go to the grocer’s because returning there means that the blacks are not afraid of the whites.



(In addition, )Richard is frightened out of his wits: L.29 « I shook with fright »; he tries to weigh the pros and cons and prefers to go ***to the street because it is the only way for him to get a chance to defend himself and , according to me, it is the opportunity for him to get a chance to defend himself against the gang.
²And he decides to take his courage into both hands.


(To sum it up,) not to renounce ²²is already a victory for the blacks and for Richard as well.
Moreover, Richard is alone whereas the boys form a gang of several people
All in all, they are not on an equal footing.
Richard didn’t stop hitting the boys and they didn’t have the time to ripost and the boys were ²²²crying.
They couldn’t believe their eyes.
Richard has become a real man with a new personality, and he has also to some extent freed the blacks from the whites; indeed,now, he won the right to the streets of MEMPHIS. L.50
It is a real victory for him.
Moreover, Richard’s mother will be proud of her son: (He has become a man and won his independence.)
Besides, Richard may have won against the gang of white boys because he fought at night and he is black; so the night helped him and the end is symbolically dominated by the black colour to show the black boy’s victory.
The whites were darkened by Richard.


To resume this story/to sum up, Richard’s mother wants to give her son a lesson which is that In (the) life you should never ²²²²drop.
Furthermore, I may say that segregation in poor ghettos hasn’t disappeared today.
If I had been Richard, I would have left my family because *****for me, a mother is here to protect her children and not to whip her son if he comes back home. A mother is there to prevent violence.

*You would have a better order if you exchanged the two phrases.
**de le laisser entrer =?
***another preposition
****This sentence makes no sense (especially to someone who hasn't read the context in the book).
*****"As for me" may be taught in schools but is a stilted style of English. It's my view/in my opinion/I think (or nothing at all) would be better here.
²another conjunction (=alors)
²²renounce what? THis is not clear.
²²²a missing adverb (=bientot)
²²²²not drop! Although I see what you mean 🙂 Laisser tomber a deux sens, littéral et figuratif. Drop est litteral, give up is figurative.

My brackets are an effort to encourage you to leave out repetitive or unnecessary phrases.
I think that leading so many sentences by an adverbial phrase not only is useless, but also is a rather bad stylistic 'tic' .

The text I am going to comment upon entitled FIGHTING BACK dates back to 1937.It is an extract from a novel entitled BLACK BOY written by RICHARD WRIGHT and deals with the theme of violence.It can be divided into 3 parts.First I will focus my attention on Richard a young black american boy who *comes home shuddering and crying because he has just been attacked by a gang (of boys) before dealing with the young boy’s feelings and the final reversal of situation.(Firstly,) Richard *has just been beaten and robbed by a gang of white boys. As he has just had a narrow escape, Richard explains to his mother what has just happened to him. But instead of supporting him ,his mother adopts an overbearing tone; indeed, she uses imperative sentences: L.4 « Don’t you come in here ».
Richard gasps and begs his mum to enter ( oui sa mère ne veut pas qu’il rentre chez lui tant qu’il ne sera pas retourné à l’épicerie pour sa battre) the house but it is surprising that she should not want her son to come into the house: he may be killed (je ne vois pas ce que je pourrais mettre) when staying outside.
It ‘s maybe because his mother wants him to become a real man because she thinks that it is time for him to become a real man.
Maybe she thinks that he has to face his difficulties.
For her, it’s like this that (bisard non?) you can grow up.
Furthermore, she may want to be proud of him.
Richard’s mother wouldn’t like her son to come back home without those groceries and if he came back whitout them, she would whip him. From line '26' down to line'27' « Go now! If you come back into this house without those groceries, I will whip you ».
Nevertheless, she knows that if he goes back into the street, he could be beaten by the gang of boys: his mother is heartless.
In short, Richard is caught in the middle: he has no way out.
He is bound to be beaten.That is why he is scared to death.
In my opinion, she may want her son to go to the groceries because returning there means that the blacks are not afraid of the whites.

In addition, Richard is frightened out of his wits: L.29 « I shook with fright »; he tries to weigh the pros and cons and prefers to go ***to (je ne vois pas quelle autre préposition mettre)the street because it is the only way for him to get a chance to defend himself and , according to me, it is the opportunity for him to get a chance to defend himself against the gang.
Then, he decides to take his courage into both hands.

Besides, not to renounce of and come back insu the groceries is already a victory for the blacks and for Richard as well.
Moreover, Richard is alone whereas the boys form a gang of several people
All in all, they are not on an equal footing.
Richard didn’t stop hitting the boys and they didn’t have the time to ripost and the boys were crying.
from line 41 down to line 44: « I swung again, lamming another skull, then another
Realizing that they would retaliate if I let up for but a second, I fought to lay them low, to Knock them cold, to kill them so that they could not strike back at me »
They couldn’t believe their eyes.
from line 45 down to line 46: « The boys scattered, yelling, nursing tir heads, staring at me in lutter disbelief »
Richard has become a real man with a new personality, and he has also to some extent freed the blacks from the whites; indeed,now, he won the right to the streets of MEMPHIS. L.50
It is a real victory for him.
Moreover, Richard’s mother will be proud of her son: He has become a man and won his independence.
Besides, Richard may have won against the gang of white boys because he fought at night and he is black; so the night helped him and the end is symbolically dominated by the black colour to show the black boy’s victory.
The whites were darkened by Richard.

To sum up, Richard’s mother wants to give her son a lesson which is that In life you should never relinquish.

Furthermore, I may say that segregation in poor ghettos hasn’t disappeared today.
If I had been Richard, I would have left my family because I think that a mother is here to protect her children and not to whip her son if he comes back home.
A mother is there to prevent violence.

If I may say so, biolbao, "helping" a pupil is not the same thing as doing his work for him! 😞

{Unless, of course, djustine=johana=biolbao, in which case it's all terribly confusing :mad:}

J'ai un nouveau texte à faire.
C'est la musique de pink "family portrait"
Merci de votre aide.


The song we are invited to study entitled family portrait is a song by pink.
It deals with a father who leaves his family.
It can be divided into 8 stanzas.
The first paragraph can be entitled « the house of pain »;
The second paragraph « for love against money »
And the chorus « promises ».
Besides, the 3 paragraph can be entitled « I need you »;
The 4 paragraph « love destroye ».
Furthermore, the 5 can be entitled « just a portrait »;
The six paragraph « dont lorry look happy! »;
The seven « a shining star »,
And the 8 « good resolutions ».



In this music Pink represents a little girl who begs her mum to stop crying.
She can’t stand the sound of her mother crying.
She uses an hyperbol; indeed, her pain is amplified. It’s as if she were her mother she feels her pain.
She tries to convince her father not to leave because the parents are haing a row.
They dont get on well together.
They’re at daggers drawn.
They’re crossing ords.
A crisis in bed; may be she doesn’t want to see her parents having a conflict.
It’s night, she can’t sleep because of the noise.
The noise prevents her From sleeping.


Besides; she implores them to stop fighting.
Life at home isn’t like a shetter.
A shetter protects you from the others; but here it’s the place of a new world war has broken out.
She has lost her bearings.
« I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done»
Normally love doesn’t destroy but makes people happy.
If they separate, they will have to share their money and the custody of the children.
She accuses her father of wanting to destroy her family.
She says that the life at home is a World War II.
There are always, broken glasses.
Home should be a safe place but it looks like a batllefield.
Life isn’t a be of roses; but of nails.


In the chorus, she wants her whole family to get through all these moments.
She doesn’t want love to destroy her family and herself.
She will be better and here for her mother.
She will be better if they remain a family.


Furthermore, she can’t stand the sound of her father yelling (like in the fit stanza).
Her mum bues him even if she hurts him.
She says nasty remarks because she’s sad or nervous but her sentences are not true. « you get on my nerves »
She asks her father to help her mother because she needs her family.


She wants to have a better life.
She wants to escape from the house and she’s square about her future.
She doesn’t want to come back to the house, but she has to.


Moreover, she wants fer family to play a game, to do as if they were a good family.
It’s just a family portrait.
The other side is more sad.
She wants to return in time; before her family look happy.
It isn’t reality but just a lie.
She doesn’t want to change her life.


She implores her father to stay at home.
If he doesn’t leave, she will change.
She can’t leave withoot him.
Maybe he leaves because of her.
She felt safe when he was there.
Her only vis is to be his little girl forever.
She wishes she were.
She wants him to remember the good moments so that he doesn’t leave.
« you took my shining star »
He took the fire in her heart and her hopes are broken.

And in the last stanza, she will be better.


As a conclusion, At first sight, we can think that "family portrait" is a painting; a TV reality show; or a photo with a perfect family.
This title can sucites different thought.
Besides, I can understand what the little girl feels because I have already seen my mother crying and it is very hard.
Furthermore, In my circle of acquaintances this situation I spreads little by little.
It is the situation which can arrive at whoever.
We’re in the girl’s shoes personal but universal.
She undergoes the consequences their quarrels.
It makes me think of the Fate which is a part of the Sadness of the life.
Maybe that you too were hit by this?.

eli a écrit :The song we are invited to study , entitled family portrait , is a song by pink.
It deals with a father who leaves his family.
It can be divided into 8 stanzas.
The first paragraph can be entitled « the house of pain »;
The second paragraph « for love against money »
And the chorus « promises ».
Besides, the 3* paragraph can be entitled « I need you »;
The 4* paragraph « love destroye* ».
Furthermore, the 5* can be entitled « just a portrait »;
The six* paragraph « dont lorry look happy! »;
The seven « a shining star »,
And the 8* « good resolutions ».



In this music Pink (re)presents a little girl who begs her mum to stop crying.
She can’t stand the sound of her mother crying.
She uses an hyperbol*; indeed, her pain is **amplified. It’s as if she were her mother ; she feels her pain.
She tries to convince her father not to leave because the parents are haing a row.
They dont get on well together.
They’re at daggers drawn.
They’re crossing *ords.
A crisis in bed; may be she doesn’t want to see her parents having a conflict.
It’s night, she can’t sleep because of the noise.
The noise prevents her From sleeping. Useless repetition.


***Besides; she implores them to stop fighting.
Life at home isn’t like a ****shetter.
A ****shetter protects you from the others; but here it’s the place of a new world war has broken out.
She has lost her bearings.
« I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done»
Normally love doesn’t destroy but makes people happy.
If they separate, they will have to share their money and the custody of the children.
She accuses her father of wanting to destroy her family.
She says that the life at home is a World War II.
There are always broken glasses.
Home should be a safe place but it looks like a ****batllefield.
Life isn’t a be* of roses; but of nails.


In the chorus, she wants her whole family to get through these moments.
She doesn’t want love to destroy her family and herself.
She will be better and here for her mother.
She will be better if they remain a family.


Furthermore, she can’t stand the sound of her father yelling (like in the fit stanza).
Her mum bues him even if she hurts him.
She makes nasty remarks because she’s sad or nervous but her sentences are not true. « you get on my nerves »
She asks her father to help her mother because she needs her family.


She wants to have a better life.
She wants to escape from the house and she’s square about her future.
She doesn’t want to come back to the house, but she has to.


Moreover, she wants fer family to play a game, to do as if they were a good family.
It’s just a family portrait.
The other side is more sad.
She wants to return in time; before her family look happy.
It isn’t reality but just a lie.
She doesn’t want to change her life.


She implores her father to stay at home.
If he doesn’t leave, she will change.
She can’t leave withoot him.
Maybe he is leaving because of her.
She felt safe when he was there.
Her only vis is to be his little girl forever.
She wishes she were.
She wants him to remember the good moments so that he doesn’t leave.
« you took my shining star »
He took the fire in her heart and her hopes are broken.

And in the last stanza, she will be better.


As a conclusion, At first sight, we can think that "family portrait" is a painting; a TV reality show; or a photo with a perfect family.
This title can sucites different thought*.
Besides, I can understand what the little girl feels because I have already seen my mother crying and it is very hard.
Furthermore, In my circle of acquaintances this situation spreads little by little.
It is the situation which can arrive at whoever.
We’re in the girl’s shoes personal but universal.
She undergoes the consequences * their quarrels.
It makes me think of the Fate which is a part of the Sadness of the life.
Maybe that you too were hit by this?.

*Something missing
**Gonflé plutôt qu'augmenté, dirais-je
***? À côté de quoi?
****This is not in my vocabulary. If you want to translate 'abri' / 'champs de bataille, perhaps you should look them up in a dictionary


Why have you so many identities?

Merci beaucoup pour votre aide.

Je suis obligé de mettre un autre nom parce que sinon je n'arrive pas à poster un message.