Demande de correction d’un texte argumentatif - Do a gap year

Bonjour,
Je dois réaliser un texte argumentatif pour donner les avantages de réaliser un "gap year". Je permet de vous demandez votre aide pour corriger mes éventuelles fautes et me donner votre avis
en vous remerciant par avance pour votre aide
Bien cordialement
Lola



I always wanted to do an humanitarian trip in order to feel me useful, so if one day between my study i was given the opportunity of taking a gap year, I will choose an experience in underpriviledged neighbourhoood on Senegal.
A gap year where I will able to help children in their education. It will allow to show their that it's possible to have succeed in a life when we live in a little village in the middle of the savannah. In this way, I bring my help, my will and my good mood.
On the one hand this gap year will be a real experience and a opprtunity to meet other poeple who are implicated like me and come from all walks of life and share something strong with family who are native of this place, for instance we will able to share our different culture.
On an other hand this excursion permit to participate to a developpment of country for exemple try to improve their healf condition.
In my opinion do a gap year open eyes on the world and show the lucky that we have in France, a good education, nice health condition so it show all differences that we can find between the two countries as a matter of fact we understand that the materialism is not the most important thing and permisse to be on an egual footing.
I believe that we must to leave the family nest and see an unknown side of the world To my mind, each of us need to feel a bit disorientated and travel the world.
To conclude do a gap year is rewarding when you come back in France you are some many memories, you can use it in your work, inclued this year in your curriculum Vitae and you can say, maybe for the first time that you gave your time for needy people, that contribuated to population's welfare, and that, it's really important for me you was useful for somebody.

Bonjour
J'ai lu ton texte et j'ai mis en gras quelques corrections. Je n'ai pas touché à la structure générale.

I've always wanted to take part in a humanitarian trip in order to feel me useful,//
So if one day during my studies I am given the opportunity of taking a gap year, I will choose an experience in underpriviledged neighbourhooods of Senegal.
I'll spend this gap year helping children in their education. It will allow me to show them that it's possible to succeed in life when we live in a little village in the middle of the savannah. In this way, I'll bring my help, my will and my good mood.
On the one hand this gap year will be a real experience and an opportunity to meet other people who are implicated like me and come from all walks of life and share something strong with native families ; for instance we will able to share our different cultures.
On the other hand this excursion will allow me to participate to the development of a country, for exemple try to improve their health conditions.
In my opinion doing a gap year opensour eyes to the world and show how lucky we are in France. It shows all differences we can find between the two countries. As a matter of fact we understand that the materialism is not the most important thing and permisse to be on an egual footing.(phrase mal reliée à ce qui précède)
I believe that we must to leave the family nest and see an unknown side of the world. To my mind, all of us need to feel a bit disorientated and travel around the world.
To conclude, doing a gap year is rewarding// when you come back in France you are some have many memories, you can use it in your work, include this year in your CV and you can say, maybe for the first time that you gave your time for needy people, that contribuated to population's welfare, and that, it's really important for me you were useful for somebody.