Dissertations à améliorer

Bonjour à tous !

Voilà, je suis en Terminale L et je vais devoir affronter l'oral de langue avec anglais en LV1.
Ma professeur d'anglais nous fait faire des dissertations qu'elles nous demandent d'apprendre pour pouvoir ressortir des informations le jour de l'épreuve orale. Pour l'instant nous en somme à deux thématiques étudiées avec une dissert pour chacune qui fait une sorte de bilan du thème. Ma prof nous impose des problématiques et j'arrive à composer une dissert suffisamment longue pour tenir à l'oral seulement elle me "reproche" de ne pas suffisamment rendre de devoir uniforme. J'ai du mal à lié entre elles mes parties comme je le ferait en français. Alors j'aimerais savoir si certains d'entre vous pourraient se proposer pour m'aider à les améliorer. J'ai lu sur les BO que pour marquer le plus de points face à l'examinateur il fallait enrichir son texte de phrases fluides, de jeux de mots. Alors je poste à la suite mes deux dissert, j'invite ceux qui voudrait s'en inspirer à le faire et j'espère que vous pourrez m'apporter votre aide parce que je dois vraiment optimiser mes chances d'avoir une mention - ce qui n'est pas sans me stresser d'autant plus !

Les deux thématiques qu'on à pour l'instant étudiées sont L'idée de progrès et Mythe et héros.

iCrazy : teenagers and electronic devices

If the previous centuries were decimated by the plague and the cholera, it is today very an other epidemic which tackles to contaminate each day a little more the world. Plague of a numerical humanity, the addiction with the video games and the plays on computer spreads at the speed of technological progress with for favorite target youth. And the consequences are less serious than those caused by the other types of drugs. Thus the question of these numerical addictions becomes true societies problems.
Does the electronic devices make us crazy ?

I. Texting Makes U Stupid
According to a survey carried out last year by Nielsen, Americans between the ages of 13 and 17 send and receive an average of 3,339 texts per month. Teenage girls send and receive more than 4,000. Half of today’s teenagers don’t read books - except when they’re made to. According to the most recent survey by the National Endowment for the Arts, the proportion of Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 who read a book not required at school or at work is now 50.7 percent, the lowest for any adult age group younger than 75, and down from 59 percent 20 years ago.

II. Is The Wed Driving Us Mad
Tweets, texts, emails, posts. New research says the Internet can make us lonely and depressed - and may even create more extreme forms of mental illness. A young man fatally bludgeoned his mother for suggesting he log off (and then used her credit card to rack up more hours). At least 10 ultra-Web users, serviced by one-click noodle delivery, have died of blood clots from sitting too long.”

III. A True Problem of our society
An american study suggests that social media affects our thinking about others people. Students who were more involved with facebook were more likely to think other people’s lives were happier. Adolescents are making a downward comparison hearing about all the things that are happening in their friends lives. Nevertheless, people usually tell only they may look happier and their lives more satisfying. People’s profiles dont show the whole truth about them. In 2006, The Sunday Times devotes an investigation to the addiction with the video games. A Dutch clinic that has begun offering the world's first treatment for computer game addicts has been overwhelmed with pleas for help from parents and children all over the world.

As one could note it, the question of the teenagers and their report to a virtual world makes emerge real social and sanitary problems. Taken weight, idleness, social insulation, so much of evils which come to oppose the life of million families throughout the world. The dependence starts to reach a point such as certain private clinics throughout the world devoted specialized service to it. Thus are then called these patients in permanent connection with the world but are cut of their nearest entourage.

Je pense que pour cette dissert je dois surtout mieux équilibrée les parties dans la mesure où la seconde me paraît un peu courte. Et plus j'aimerais la rendre plus fluide comme je l'ai dis, plus ludique.

American Dream : two sides of the same coin

The American Dream is a frequently mentioned and well-know term used to discribe the ideology of the United States of America. For that matter, Martin Luther King claimed ''It is found in those majestic words of the Declaration of Independance, words lifted to cosmic proportions : We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by God, Creator, with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. This is a dream. It's a great dream.'' The American dream is it always actually or threatens its own myth ?

I. The american dream is still alive
In the ideal, american believes in God, in the free enterprise, the money, the success, their country, freedom… These is a country which pushes the human to be been successful by himself. We define “middle class” as much by values as we do by economics. It means working hard, playing by the rules, and getting ahead. It means saving up to buy a home, making payments on a new car, seeing your kid graduate from high school. It means retiring with some dignity and security. So the american dream is still alive by the will of men and women who, day after day, maintain the country's myth which can make of individual ordinary the extraordinary heroes.

II. Is the american dream fading ?
A recent report from the Federal Reserve documents the collapse of the middle class. Between 2007 and 2010 median wealth dropped a staggering 40 percent. As ever, the rich did fine, actually seeing their wealth increase as everyone else's disappeared. Because the increase in unemployment in the United States encourages the migrants more and more to reflect before leaving their country. The American dream is exhausted, so that year after year, immigration don't stop to decreas. Migrant worker generally leaving their family to the country, with the intensifying of the control at the border and the increase amongst explusions. The migrants prefer live in precariousness that in the fear.

III. In the success's shade, the success's key
However, I think that people are quick to forget the work that actually goes into building a dynasty. Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, many are the examples of successes story which are with the image of the integrity of the American dream. In my opinion, for every great business-man, there are thousands of workers that make is success possible. But in the long run, only the great names remain. It should be the workers as a whole, as a population, that are remenbered for their contributions. Because without the working man, nothing is possible.

The key to paying off our crushing debt, ultimately, is economic growth. And the key to growth is an expanding middle class. Because in truth, it is on the myth of this middle class that these successes story are based. The emigration makes possible the concretization of this American dream since there cannot be creativity without diversity, size without workers.

Pour cette dissert là, je pense avoir besoin d'aide pour lier entre elles toutes mes parties dans un ensemble qui soit plus uniforme. À l'écrit ma progression est compréhensible mais à l'oral j'ai bien peur de donner l'impression de passer du coq à l'âne.

J'espère que des membres du forum, des élèves doués en langue ou des professeurs d'anglais pourront m'apporter leur aide. Pouvez vous aussi me donner votre impression sur ma manière de répondre au sujet imposé par ma prof, sachant que j'ai respectivement eut un 15 et un 16 pour ces dissert. J'attends des avis vraiment très productifs et objectifs parce que je teins à m'améliorer !

Je remercie d'avance les gens qui consacreront un peu de leur temps libre à m'aider.
Bonne fin de soirée !

Pour ne parler que de l'American dream il faudrait que tu te concentres sur la définition même de l'American dream alors que tu digresses un peu en parlant de middle class par exemple et en mélangeant un peu avec l'american way of life. Tu fais pareil dans le paragraphe suivant en parlant des immigrants mais en voyant plutôt les problèmes liés à l'immigration que le lien avec l'american dream.
Le troisième paragraphe c'est la démolition totale de l'American dream à travers le filtre français, il n'aurait jamais existé car c'est le succès des riches mais en fait le travail des pauvres travailleurs oubliés.

Pour voir l'American dream avec des yeux américains, voici quelques phrases extraites de la dernière campagne :
" Barack knows the American Dream because he's lived it, and he wants everyone in this country to have that same opportunity, no matter who we are, or where we're from, or what we look like, or who we love," Michelle Obama said. "He believes that when you've worked hard, and done well, and walked through that doorway of opportunity, you do not slam it shut behind you. You reach back, and you give other folks the same chances that helped you succeed."

Pour l'anglais il faudrait corriger au moins :
is it always actually or threatens its own myth ?
american believes. american : adjectif. les Américains : the Americans or Americans
l'article devant des noms abstraits
these is
the human to be been
immigration don't stop to decreas.
Migrant worker generally leaving their family to the country, with the intensifying of the control at the border and the increase amongst explusions
prefer live
success's key
successes story which are with the image of the integrity of the American dream.
Pas de phrase commençant par because etc.


PS je pense que le BO ne demande pas des jeux de mots.

Merci énormément !

Le troisième paragraphe c'est la démolition totale de l'American dream à travers le filtre français, il n'aurait jamais existé car c'est le succès des riches mais en fait le travail des pauvres travailleurs oubliés.

Tu peux expliquer ce que tu entends par là ? J'aimerais bien pouvoir rectifier. 🙂

Et concernant le lien avec la middle class, tu crois que si dans mon premier paragraphe j'explique que c'est sur cette partie de la société que repose tout l'enjeu du rêve américain c'est bien ? Que la classe moyenne c'est vraiment le pilier de l'american dream quoi.

Et que penses tu de l'intro et de la conclusion ? Tu crois je devrais préciser aussi que les émigrants sont essentiel au pays ? Que les états unis sont le pays qui accueil le plus d'émigrés au monde et que les états unis n'en sont que bénéficiaires puisque d'une certaine manière ces émigrés prennent les emplois dont les américains ne veulent pas ?