Anglais - Correction d'une expression écrite

Bonjour à tous , voila , j'ai une expression ecrite a rendre et ayant des difficultées en anglais j'aimerais avoir une correction de cette expression pour pouvoir retravailler dessus et comprendre mes fautes. Pouvez vous m'aider s'il vus plait , merci d'avance 

On July , 8th , 1982 , an intruder managed to get into Buckingham palace and into the Queen's bedroom. When the Queen saw him ,she was surprised , she had a little cry of fear.Someone knocks at the door and asks  with a masculine voice " everything is well Your Majesty ? ", she replies " yes , don't worry". She examines the foreigner and utters three words "  who are you ? ". The man begs "  Your Majesty Please , don't tell that I am here , I must tell you something ". The Queen asks that she must call the security .The intruder gets up abruptly, and implores the Queen " I want just said that I am here because , I have a problem with my wife , she doesn't want speak with me , I want that you send a letter where you ask  to come here , in Buckingahm . She likes you , she can't refuse. I will be here to speak with her , she will can't flee , she will must speak with me . Please Your Majesty , send a letter ". The queen is very suprised about  his request , finally , she answers  " Sir , I have duties and I have not the time for that but If I have a little time , I will send this letter , give me the Name of your Wife ". With a smile the intruder pronounces the name " Katte Middleton". The Queen is  shocked ,she understands that this man is crazy, she calls the security ,. She heard the last words of the intruder " Kate Middleton is my wife, I love she , she loves me ..."

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Anglais - Correction d'une expression écrite

C'est amusant !
Une première remarque : tu commences et finis ton récit au "perfect" et entre les deux tu utilises continuellement le présent. Ce n'est pas interdit, mais il serait plus cohérent que l'ensemble du récit soit au passé. Je souligne quelques points à voir :

On July , 8th , 1982 , an intruder managed to get into Buckingham palace and into the Queen's bedroom. When the Queen saw him ,she was surprised , she had a little cry of fear.Someone knocks at the door and asks  with a masculine voice " everything is well Your Majesty ? ", she replies " yes , don't worry". She examines the foreigner and utters three words "  who are you ? ". The man begs "  Your Majesty Please , don't tell that I am here , I must tell you something ". The Queen asks that she must call the security .The intruder gets up abruptly, and implores the Queen " I want just said that I am here because , I have a problem with my wife , she doesn't want speak with me , I want that you send a letter where you ask  to come here , in Buckingahm . She likes you , she can't refuse. I will be here to speak with her , she will can't flee , she will must speak with me . Please Your Majesty , send a letter ". The queen is very suprised about  his request , finally , she answers  " Sir , I have duties and I have not the time for that but If I have a little time , I will send this letter , give me the Name of your Wife ". With a smile the intruder pronounces the name " Katte Middleton". The Queen is  shocked ,she understands that this man is crazy, she calls the security ,. She heard the last words of the intruder " Kate Middleton is my wife, I love she , she loves me ..."

Ce qui m'étonne, c'est qu'il y ait des lacunes de grammaire très élémentaire (I love she, she will must speak, etc.), et qu'il y ait par ailleurs des phrases qui ne sont pas mal. Une telle discrepancy suggère que les bonnes phrases viennent d'un site de traduction et que les fautes viennent de toi !

Anglais - Correction d'une expression écrite

Je ne fais pas de phrases sur les traducteur , qui traduisent mots à mots , je recherche seulement les mots que je ne connais pas mais je préfère prendre mon dictionnaire , au moins je suis sure !! je m'étonne aussi des fautes de bases que je peux faire , je ferais plus attention !merci pour les conseils

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Anglais - Correction d'une expression écrite

Bonjour à tous. Je suis en première et je possède une expression écrite en anglais dont le sujet est: A lot of teenagers like drinking alcohol. How do you explain this? Je vous joint mon expression écrite, en espérant avoir vos avis et vos corrections de fautes d'orthographe car je ne suis pas très bonne en anglais.. Merci à tous!

Be a teenagers is have between 12 and 17 years old. It’s during these years that the teenagers make their experience. A teenager is just before become an adult, and the young people want to be older, to be considering like a big. To do that, they have not a lot possibility. Their ideas come with the TV, the media, the movie, the series, or with internet. We see a lot of things, people who get wasted, who drinking, who smoking, who do party with a lot of alcohol… It’s fashion because the older do this, so the teenagers find this fun, and they want do like they. They think after that, they will have a lot of friends, girlfriends or boyfriends and they will be accepted. In reality, the teenagers don’t drink because they like this, is for do like every people, like the TV, the movie, like be popular when they organize party, is because they think they have to do this for be accepted of every people.
Some teenagers see people of his family drinks, their parents or others, because they have problems. So the young thinks the alcohol resolve or distract the problems, and when they have problems, they drink.